Time to get honest

Oh boy. Before I jump into this blog post - I have to admit that I am a little terrified to be writing this. Not that I think millions of people will read this (who knows maybe no one will read this) but because for the first time in my entire life I am going to be an open book. I am going to be honest, and truthful and write about how I am really feeling. I'm not going to write about what I think people want me to be or what they want to hear. I am writing this with the hope that this will help me to grow and be.. well a better me.

So let's start at square one.

I am Kirsten (technically I wasn't LEGALLY Kirsten until I was 15 years old.. I was born and named Heather... yes Heather, but that story is an entirely different blog post hehe) I am a mom to 2 wonderful boys - a wife to a man I still can't seem to convince myself I am worthy of - a daughter, a sister, a cousin a best friend and the list goes on and on and on :). I truly care about everyone I come in contact with and I can honestly say I would give everything I had to help someone who really needed it. I am a people pleaser to the core. I have this horrible need to make everyone like me, to the extent of changing who I am and even my standards. I am not the strongest tool in the crayon shed  (yeah yeah I'm combining and making up my own sayings) I have the most tender heart and words can absolutely break me. I am not particularly fond of myself (no I'm not looking for compliments or fishing for someone to make me feel better) I have battled my weight my entire life and I obsess every day about what I weigh, what I look like and how I sound when I talk - do I sound dumb? am I funny? Do they like me? Did I talk to much? Did I not talk enough? What did I look like? Was my butt showing? Crap... crap... does my breath smell like crap??
I have an enormous amount of anxiety. If you are trapped and held captive and I have to go through any kind of bugs or insects to get to you I'm sorry but I'm not your gal - I absolutely positively will leave you if we find ourselves in a situation with any kind of swarming bugs.. not even swarming bugs - let's just say bug.. you're on your own if we encounter any kind of bug while we are together. I probably should be locked in a padded cell with one of those straight jackets - But I'm claustrophobic and I'd probably pass out worrying that the jacket made me look fat :)

Ever since I can remember I have always had this voice in my head telling me I needed to do whatever it took to make people like me. Fake it if you have to but you will make everyone like you. It sounds totally insane right?? I mean it's not possible to make EVERYONE like you. Yet still, at 27 I find myself trying so hard to achieve this completely unattainable goal. I remember always thinking to myself "if you could just be skinnier people would like you". Then in high school - after being put on some medication for my ADD I lost 60 pounds over 1 summer. YES my life is finally going to be AWESOME.. right??? WRONG... I found myself skinny, and loving getting dressed... but I was still quiet, and reserved and shy and LOST - the only people who really said anything about my weight loss were the fantastic people I already had in my life. I didn't have this boost of confidence like I thought I would. I still found myself changing my hair, or the way I dressed or whatever to try and get these friends that I so badly wanted. I began to hate the skinny me too.. I began thinking I wasn't skinny enough. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't outgoing enough. So I completely abandoned ME. I left behind the Kirsten who loved church, and loved God - I completely dumped off the people closest to me, my best friends - my family. I became someone I didn't know, or recognize. And my life STILL wasn't what I wanted it to be - in fact things were spinning even farther out of my control. In the midst of my teenage crisis - in steps this weirdo messaging me on myspace (ahhhhh yes myspace - I know I know.. that is soooo 2005). His name was Matt - he was absolutely adorable, and kind, and the poor fool had no idea what a crazy pants he had just agreed to meet up with!! Almost instantly with Matt I could feel the real Kirsten showing up. I was so comfortable with him - I didn't feel this horrible pressure to amount to something - I could just BE.. and he was totally okay with that. Flash forward almost 10 years: I have this absolutely amazing life. We own our SECOND home, we have 2 wonderful children, we have been through the temple making our family a FOREVER family. I have a husband who sticks with me no matter what, He has a good job, we have a nice car, my son is in karate, and going to school - our youngest is growing and smiling and laughing and we are making some pretty amazing memories together. My life is more amazing than I can even handle - and yet - I find myself not happy. WHY?? Because of this lingering worry about what everyone else thinks about my life.

My cousin Jenn posted something today on FB. She talked about how we sit on FB reading every ones posts about trips they took, or fun things they are doing or did - and we compare it to our lives and then start to tear ourselves down thinking we aren't doing or being enough. It seriously struck a chord for me. I not only compare myself to what I am seeing on FB, but what I am seeing right in front of me. I hate that I compare my life to others - that I feel like I have to make my life look a certain way for everybody else. I am here to tell you we are so far from perfect. We are not swimming in money, we do not live in a mansion - we fight, we yell, we are sometimes horribly lazy - we are an incredibly ADHD family - and we forget stuff A LOT (I have a reminder in my phone to feed my dog every morning... yes... I know... I suck) I have spent so much time worrying about impressing everyone else with my life and it has gotten me no where. I am currently at a place in my life where I KNOW my Heavenly Father is nudging me and trying to remind me that I need to be humble and GRATEFUL. He is trying to remind me that it doesn't matter what Bob down the street thinks, or what that one lady at the grocery store thinks, or even what my own family members or friends think. He is trying to remind me that HE is the only one I should be worrying about. What does GOD think about my life? Would GOD be proud?
I have been battling depression for a while but it has gotten pretty bad in the last year. I find myself constantly dwelling on reasons why my life isn't good enough - why I am not good enough. But I am here - today - to say PUBLICLY that MY LIFE IS AMAZING!!! God has given me a life too amazing to express with words.

My life is not perfect - but I have had SO many perfect moments. I am not sailing around in my boat on a sea of money (although I am swimming in laundry - - - I have come to terms with the fact that I suck at laundry, and I am okay with that :) - but I am sailing around sharing what I do have with some of the worlds most amazing people. I have a family who is far from perfect but they are MINE. I am part of an amazing church - and even though there are some people in the church that I want to just squeeze until their eyes pop - we are all just children of God - running around this crazy world trying to do the best we can. I am going to do everything I can to make this year NOT about trying to look good for everyone else but to really be grateful and THANKFUL for the wonderful life that I do have. I know this will sound cliche, but life is not about who has the biggest house, or nicest car, or takes the best trips. It's not about how we look, or how we dress, or if we are the most popular, or the funniest. Life is about being HAPPY. LOVING everyone, including the weirdos and even the people you don't want to love. Its about being a good person, and loving the way Christ would love.

SO... here we go


I am Kirsten - I have 2 boys who ALWAYS amaze me. And lets face it - they are incredibly good looking :) I am married to my best friend - who is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. Who loves me through everything and is always there for me!! I have friends who have seen me at my worst, hugged me when I was doing the ugly cry, and got me through some of the worst years of my life! I have parents who love me and would do absolutely anything for me and my family - a sister who is fantastic and has no problem letting me text her song lyrics throughout the day! I married into an amazing and HUGE family whom I love dearly. I am also loved so incredibly much by my Father in Heaven - who is always there and truly does want me to have the most amazing life! I am a SINGER... oh boy am I a singer - I can (and will) turn just about anything into a song - I like to dance like a crazy person around my house. I am a wonderful, happy, often confused, HOT MESS! And I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am a MORMON - I have a strong testimony of my church and I KNOW that God loves me and is proud of me. I know that he gave me this big heart to do GOOD and that if I would just believe in myself I could do some amazing things!!

<3